Your safety and well-being matter. For many women Veterans, it can be hard to feel safe when there is intimate partner violence (IPV). If you’ve experienced emotional, physical or sexual harm, control or fear in a relationship, know this: You are not alone and help is available.
About one in three women Veterans experience IPV during their lives (higher than the rate among non-Veteran women). Women Veterans affected by IPV are also three times more likely to experience housing instability or homelessness. Additionally, pregnant women experiencing IPV face a higher risk of violence, underscoring the urgent need for support. Recognizing the signs of IPV and learning about your options are the first steps toward healing and finding safety. VA can help you take those steps.
Understanding IPV
IPV is a form of domestic violence that can include physical, verbal, emotional, financial or sexual abuse, as well as stalking, by a current or former intimate partner, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. IPV can affect anyone, regardless of your age, race, income, sex or background, and it can happen whether you live with your partner, are sexually involved or have a long history together. IPV may occur once or it could be ongoing, and it may look like:
- Name-calling, bullying, insulting or putting you down.
- Controlling your money or spending.
- Isolating you from friends and family.
- Controlling where you go or what you wear.
- Monitoring who you speak to.
- Embarrassing or humiliating you in public.
- Threatening harm to you, loved ones or pets.
- Physical violence like shoving, hitting or restraining.
- Using weapons or other objects to intimidate or harm you.
- Forcing or coercing unwanted sexual activity.
Alternatively, you may also find yourself using aggression or violence in your relationships, especially if you’ve experienced or witnessed violence yourself (including during your service). It’s possible to both experience and use or perpetrate IPV.
IPV can impact your entire life
IPV affects much more than your physical safety. It takes a toll on your mind, body, and social well-being, and may impact parts of your life you haven’t realized.
- Mental health risks: Depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress disorder, substance use disorders and suicidal thoughts are more common among women Veterans experiencing IPV. Stress, shame and isolation often deepen these struggles.
- Physical health issues: Chronic pain (headaches, back pain), gastrointestinal and gynecological problems (such as pelvic pain), traumatic injuries and insomnia can all result from IPV.
- Reproductive health: Unintended pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy complications occur more frequently in women who face IPV.
- Social and economic effects: IPV often leads to housing instability, homelessness, financial hardship and social isolation, making it harder to find safety and access care.
VA is here with support and services for all these aspects of your life and can help you connect to resources in your community, including safety and escape planning.
VA’s “no wrong door” approach
We know talking about IPV can be difficult. Your safety and confidentiality are top priorities. There are ways to receive support for IPV:
- Tell your VA health care or mental health provider, or any VA staff member.
- Contact your local IPV assistance program coordinator.
- Contact your local women Veterans program manager.
- Call or text the Veterans Crisis Line (988, then press 1, or text 838255).
- Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233).
- Call or text the Women Veterans Call Center (855-829-6636).
- Tell VA security or VA police.
- Call 911 for immediate help.
You are not alone
If you or someone you know is experiencing IPV, remember that women Veterans deserve safety, dignity and support. No matter who you talk to at VA, you will be connected to compassionate support and services. Reach out any time, any way, and take the first step toward healing and reclaiming your life.
Learn more on the VA Women’s Health IPV page and the VA Social Work IPV page. Both sites have quick escape buttons for your safety. You can also search your state to locate the IPV Coordinator closest to you. If you are unable to reach an IPV Coordinator, please speak to your social worker, health care provider or local women Veterans program manager.
For 24/7 counseling by phone, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They can connect you to VA. If you’re in immediate danger, please call 911.
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Shirley and Laurenthia,
Such similar story to you both. After my 9.5 years in the Army, I signed my declination statement because my soon to be husband had recently retired as a Navy Chief. I ETSed May 13, 2013. We married June 1, 2013. Within a month of marrying, the abuse began. Although, there were previous red flags, especially toward my then three year old son, I ignored them. “Love is blind” a completely true statement. Over the next ten years, my son and I endured more abuse than I thought was humanly possible. We left and came back more times than I can count. My son spent two weeks in a behavioral health facility, which after the fact I was told by one of the counselors that he did not belong there. After that, he participated in a partial program where he went to school for half the day and to the Pennsylvania Psychiatric Institute (PPI) for the other half for six weeks. Also, where I was told once again that he did not belong there. My abuser made me take him. If I didn’t listen, we would pay the price. We paid anyway, but it would’ve been worse than it already was. He was a rageful alcoholic that could not hold a job and put me in massive amounts of debt. He was constantly putting us down, calling us names, arguing about everything, screaming in our faces, throwing things at us, and punching holes in the walls and breaking our belongings. You could smile at him, and he would flip out, scream at you, and push you around. He was an adult bully to put it nicely. My son and I spent seven years in separate and family counseling while with him. He refused to ever attend counseling. He did on a few occasions but always quit after one or two times for different reasons every time. My son’s father got involved, put a protection from abuse (PFA) order on him and my son had leave our home as long as he was in it. I finally left him, moved back home with my family, and filed for divorce. Within a few months, he was in touch with me letting me know he had quit drinking and was ready to make things work. I fell for it. He even stood up in front of our entire church and proclaimed his faith for Jesus and was saved and baptized. After six months of getting back together, the fights started again, I was seeing my son every other weekend, but not at my home. My son and I would stay with friends and family to visit. We did this for almost three years. The day before the PFA was up, we got in a fight because I had found his secret beer stash. He got angry and said he was leaving to go get beer. I told him that I would not be there when he returned. I wasn’t. I left and never went back. I told our pastor that if I didn’t leave, he was either going to kill me, or I was going to kill him. Those words were not farther from the truth.
February 3, 2023…was my real freedom. Not freedom from returning from Afghanistan in 2009, not freedom from ETSing from the Army in 2013, but REAL FREEDOM to never have to walk on egg shells again, to never worry if my son was going to be abused again, to be allowed to have emotions about anything and it was normal, to fall asleep and not have to sleep with a knife under my pillow. I am now remarried to a friend from high school who is my safe place, my smile on my face, and the arms I can go to whether I’m happy or sad. He has supported me through counseling and helped me with some dark days and nights when the suicidal thoughts creep in. The nightmares that have kept me from sleeping, the anxiety when my ex calls or I see a vehicle like his. I have not seen him since the last time he showed up at my home in Dec 2023. But I can tell you, my mind is always on alert, like walking in a battlefield everyday looking for your enemy. There are times I feel safe, but the thoughts are always in the back of my mind, “Am I really?” I will be praying for you both for comfort, safety, and peace. I did not realize the statistics were one out of every three female service members experience IPV. Why is this not talked about more? What can we do to make a difference in at least one life?
When I was in the Army, I was in a relationship with another soldier that refused to let me go. Every time I tried to leave, he tried to kill me. He tried to throw me out of my second floor apartment window because he told my mom to call 911 because he was about to kill me. When she tried to call, he ripped the phone out of her hand so she went to my other Army buddy’s apartment & had her call 911. After that incident, we were told by 1SG that if the cops got called again, somebody was going to jail. There was definitely more times after that because he wasn’t letting me leave. So many different instances of abuse including when took me from my apartment and held me at knife point in his apartment, another time after he called 911 because I was not going along with his plan, but didn’t realize that they answered. When the police department called back, mom answered the phone and when she saw that I was not there, after contacting my buddy, she called the police & they had to remove me from his apartment under threat of going to jail. When they asked if I wanted to file charges, I asked if they would have to notify my 1SG, they said yes and I declined to file charges out of fear of me going to jail. I eventually gave my 1SG an eleven page hand written documentation of the abuse that he was inflicting on me, thinking that he would help me. That backfired. My 1SG gave it to my abuser and told him to deal with it. I wanted to leave on a different date, that I was going to have to strip and walk home naked. I started coming out of clothes. I would rather chance getting arrested for indecent exposure than to have to stay with him. When he went to the bathroom and I heard the stream hit the water, I grabbed my shoes and my shirt and I hauled butt down the street and then got snatched by my hair and dragged up three flights of stairs screaming. The biggest when I was still in was when I left again and I had to leave my apartment but I left his stuff on the hood of his truck and I went to my buddy’s house who lived in post housing now and she took me to an NCO’s house and I stayed there. When she went to my apartment the next morning to get something for me, she called me because my apartment has been completely trashed. The patio door (on the second floor) had been busted inwards and glass was strewn all the way to the kitchen from him punching the glass door with the towel that I kept on the balcony wrapped around his hand. It didn’t keep him from cutting himself. Later that day, the other NCOs in the unit came into my apartment and saw the damage that was done. $2000 worth of damage to my apartment and another $2000 to my personal belongings, my Class A’s that he bleached and my BDUs that he slashed. They didn’t do anything to him. He was trespassed from the property and by this time I was in mental health counseling for the domestic violence. The mental health doctor that I was seeing had told me that if I didn’t get away from him, he was going to kill me. He told me that since my chain of command was not willing to help me, he could get me out on a personality disorder. He stated that it would be an honorable discharge and it would take approximately 90 days and asked if I could hang on that long. I was in the process of getting chaptered and I was just biding my time while the packers were coming to pack my personal belongings and sent them to Oklahoma. My abuser told me that if I was really going to stay (if I told him I was leaving, he would have killed me), that I would leave my furniture. No problem. My furniture is replaceable; I am not. I was going to use my last pay along with the leave that I sold back to leave him and never see him again. When I got my last pay check, I got a No Pay Due and a bill for over $5000 because I had reenlisted in Germany and had only completed less than 1 year of the 4 year obligation. I ended up having to move in with him since I had no money to leave. That was the worst abuse to date since I had been with him. He tried to throw me over his 3rd floor balcony, because would do what he demanded me to do. He was a monster. I finally escaped on February 14, 2002 and I have only seen him one time in the air port in Dallas and I froze in fear. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. When I wrote my second book about the trauma I had been through, I looked to see if he was dead or in prison, only to find that was not the case. He’s living in Texas, perpetrating a fraud, claiming to have been an NCO and a Combat Veteran, neither of which is true. During that video on the news, I learned that his wife “suddenly” passed away. I’m not so sure that she didn’t have help dying but that is just my opinion. Leopards don’t change their stripes and abusers don’t change their ways, they only get more abusive and evil.
Sherrie, unfortunately I know how you feel. I went through something very similar with my ex-husband when we were in the Army. His abuse, trips to the hospital, reporting to my company commander and him dismissing it as unimportant and telling us to work it out ourselves -all of it and then some. It’s really sad that Intimate partner violence still goes on unchecked in this day and age. Stay strong and I’ll pray for us both.
-Your Sister Vet