Dr. Lorenzo McFarland, DHA, MPH, MSW, is the deputy director of HIV, Hepatitis and Related Conditions Programs in VHA’s Office of Specialty Care Services. He shares his military story below.
I joined the Air Force in May 1987 as an Aerospace Medicine Technician, providing care to anyone on flying status, and conducting occupational health and physical examinations. I entered the military before Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) became law, when it wasn’t as simple as not telling someone you were gay. Commanders could start investigations on anyone suspected of being gay; the mere perception that you were gay could get you investigated and kicked out. DADT was supposed to prevent LGBTQ+ service members from being harassed, but I can honestly say I didn’t notice a difference after DADT was enacted in 1992. Even after it passed, I always felt like I had to look over my shoulder or wait for a shoe to drop.
Having to live a double life meant having to keep people at arm’s length, which kept me from forming close relationships. When people got too close, I was afraid that they would ask questions. Questions I couldn’t answer, like “Are you gay?” They felt that our friendship justified them asking about my sexual orientation. They would always say, “I’ll keep it just between us.” However, I always worked hard to change the topic or to just walk away. It was a hard thing to navigate. I was very clumsy with these situations early in my career but gained confidence as I got older. The net effect was that I didn’t let people get close to me. It’s a horrible way to live your life for 20 years.
Personally, DADT made it next to impossible to find a partner while I was in service, and my love life was basically nonexistent for 20 years. That’s not to say I didn’t have relationships, but I couldn’t put myself in a position to be exposed, so I always ended the relationship before they got too close. There were females I worked with who were very interested in me and would push me to go on a date or to have sexual relations. Sometimes, I had to resort to lying about my love life. When I was a young airman stationed at Zaragoza Air Base in Spain, I told everyone that I had a fiancée back in the States. I got questioned why I didn’t talk about her much and if she was coming to visit. Just as the questions intensified, I would move on to my next base.
Seeing other service members happily partnered made me feel angrier at what I couldn’t have. I was very active on base, and I loved to go to the Air Force Dining Outs and Ins. The Dining Outs hurt me the most because other service members were allowed to bring civilian loved ones. For 20 years, I sat and watched everyone with their spouses, feeling resentment because I couldn’t bring my partner or invite a love interest.
My job also didn’t make my situation easier. As an Aerospace Medicine Technician, we conducted physical examinations and standards, including entrance, annual, retirement and exit physicals. An exit physical was completed on anyone being kicked out of the military. I completed a lot of exit physicals on people getting kicked out for being gay, some of whom were my friends. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in the military.
When I retired, I came out to a lot of my military friends. Most of them already knew and said they accepted me for me. Some had no clue and said it made sense now that they knew. I have no regrets and feel that my time in the Air Force made we a stronger person. I feel like I helped to pave the way for the men and women who are now serving our country as openly LGBTQ+.
For the last 14 years, I have worked for VA, and the culture has been inclusive. I never felt like I had to hide my sexuality or deal with any type of discrimination. I was excited to see VA celebrating gay Pride Month. I have attended several gay pride month celebrations at VA Central Office. The colleagues I work with value my skillset and passion for caring for my fellow Veterans.
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Wow!
This story brought back memories!
I joined the Marines in 1986 (1985 under the Delayed Entry program, Paris Island in summer 1986). I was just starting to get brave enough to act on my identity, when I went to the MEPS center and the guy at the Intake started asking me questions like “Are you a homosexual?”, “Have you participated in any homosexual activities?” Fortunately, I could honestly answer “No” to those questions, but it made me realize that I would not be able to tell anyone about my feelings, or show any affection to men throughout my time in the Marines. People don’t remember how HIV/AIDS had ravaged the gay community in the 1980’s and how much of a pariah it was just to have any inkling of “gay”. I remember it being a Big Deal of which ear you had your ear pierced (if you had one pierced). One side meant you were a tough guy, a thug… the other meant you were gay. I never found out what having both pierced meant.
I served 8 Honorable and total years with the Marines as a Ground Radio Repairman, including in Desert Storm/Shield.
DADT was passed while I was in, but went into effect about when I got off Active Duty in July 1992.
I wish the VA would quit wasting valuable resources on promoting the “woke” agenda of the current administration and apply those funds toward helping veterans with medical needs. If you are truly concerned with veterans caught up in these lifestyles, provide them with the mental health resources they need to deal with their issues, not feed into their sickness.
This story brought tears ? to my eyes. What a messed up world we live in… Stay strong and may God continue to bless you ? ❤️ ✨️…
You are a brave soul to have endured for so long. I am gay and was in US Army 1969-71, but never discussed and kept out of those conversations that could lead to my identity. I got through it, but to do it for 20 years must have been harrowing. I also have an MSW, so I have great sympathy and understanding for your imposed social isolation. By writing this article, you have made me feel like a better person in military standing. Thanks.
Your story struck ho.e. I could have written every word as my personal story minus DADT. I was an officer in the USAF from 1978 to 1983.
I lived a very similar life as you did, Dr. McFarland, and reluctantly resigned my commission because of the stress I felt while protecting myself from an investigation. Ten of my closest friends, all superb airmen and officers, were not as lucky. They were kicked out of the Air Force just weeks after I left.
My nephew is a major serving as an intelligence officer, and he can’t believe the contrast from today’s enlightened policy versus what you and I served under.
Thanks for sharing.
Dr. McFarland,
Thank you so much for all you do and have done over the years in supporting OUR fellow Vets and for joining the ranks at the VA. Your presence, knowledge, accomplishments and life experiences have landed you right where you’re needed! From a fellow colleague, Air Force brethren, OLLU fellow alumni and friend, again thank you. Aim High ?
Thank you for sharing your story, Dr. McFarland! I appreciate your positive outlook. The ban and then DADT caused moral injury and trauma for so many. I am glad that you are able to see the good things as well. It’s also so great that you are willing to share your story, because learning about the challenges other face is how we can all learn and grow.
Gays are a morale problem and just create an unnecessary distraction from the mission. They will consider their lifestyle choice before the mission..not acceptable.
Thank you, Dr. McFarland, for such a valuable insight about the lived experience of nation’s defenders LGBTQ+ service members and veterans. I am working on a related research project and would greatly appreciate your help and help from other LGBTQ+ service members or veterans. This is very urgent that I must do, so I really would be thankful and appreciative. Please let me know how and when to contact you. Or any member of LGBTQ+ service member or veteran reading this post, please contact me. Thank you.
ahmed.rafi@utdallas.edu
I do hope you realize that by not publishing my comment, you are doing satan’s work and defying God. If you do not change this course, you are condemning yourself to Hell. The Bible is True and Hell is Real, make no mistake. I do continue to pray for you. sincerely,
I won’t be popular with my comment. I do hope you will study the Bible, the true word of God and fully realize that homosexuality is a Sin. The Bible clearly states that homosexuals will not enter Heaven. I am praying for you that you will study the Gospel and obey the True Word of God and not the liberal adulterated teachings of men. I’m not casting stones, but simply trying to help you to obey God’s word. I do not want you to go to Hell any more than I want anyone else to go there. Changing your behavior in this sexual respect probably won’t be easy, but rejecting the devil and his angels with their appealing lustful temptations rarely is easy. And, Yes, our military is wrong for fostering homosexuality, obviously. When I was in the Army it was NOT allowed. I did not want to be in a foxhole with a queer guy and my life on the line when he might be thinking other thoughts. Our Army has regressed along with our sinful society. If powers that be want to refuse my comment, so be it. I tried.
Definitely need to go back to DADT. Too many fruitcakes sashaying like a female. The military has gone woke and soft! If you are offended too bad! The world isn’t all inclusive. Now trans people are joining to get medical benefits for sexual reassignment surgery. Fine if your gay but the military doesn’t need flamboyant men.
Thank you for your story. I was discharged in May of 76. I believe because of SSgt Matlavich I was given an honorable. 4 years later I wanted to make more of myself and needed to get some electronics training. The easiest way I saw was the reserves. Problem: I also had a RE-2. The recruiter went to bat for me and got my discharge changed to “youthful curiosity”. Well needless to say I went back in for one year. I considered reupping but my grandma told me not to stupid anymore that I would get myself caught again. I now have 2 Honorables hanging on my wall. It is nice to know that I don’t have to hide with the VA. I wish that there were more stories like this on how we struggled to serve.
Thank you for sharing your story! I joined the Navy around the same time as you, just as I was exploring my own sexuality. I too felt that pressure to keep things on the down low – it was one of the reasons I decided to leave the military. Bravo Zulu to you for persevering and to help our fellow service members after your active duty. Hugs <3
What a terrible decision to repeal don’t ask don’t tell. Now look at how much further we have declined since this horrible decision.
Dr. McFarland, as a vet that was discharged in ’80 for being in a lesbian relationship, I was pleased to read your story and to hear that you are working at the V.A. I feel no discrimination at the V.A. and it is a welcome change from my active duty. Thank you for sharing and your service!
Jesus said, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father unless they come to me. ”
Pride and homosexuality are sins that separate people from God. Pray now for forgiveness and ask Jesus to enter your heart.
Thanks for sharing your story… it much needed for so many.
Dr. McFarland,
Thank you for sharing your story and for conveying the pain of having to endure a huge hole in your life and relationships for so long due to DADT. It was a stop-gap measure and not a good one.
I’m glad you mentioned VA for its inclusivity, especially during these days when so-called DEI programs are regularly insulted or rescinded under political pressure.
I hope you find or have found someone special who treats you with the love and respect you deserve. Almost every recent poll finds the vast majority of Americans favor retaining the right of everyone to wed those they love per the Supreme Court ruling, but even that is under fire and faces a possible overturn by the current SCOTUS justices.
Thank you for your continuing service to our military and our vets.
Your story of travail and triumph made my day.
Take care and keep shining your light.
Thank you Dr. McFarland for all you have done, and are doing for ALL veterans, not just gay veterans. Your sacrifice was so unnecessary for this time in history, but closed minded people have always restricted people unlike themselves ignoring that God created everyone equal to live their lives as their spirit dictates. Those same people have issues with race, class, religious affiliation, etc. so sorry you had to experience what you have. I pray you are happy and blessed now beyond your expectations. Much love & respect. A fellow veteran. ??❤️??
I remember 40+ years ago, when the official so-called “Don’t Ask – Don’t Tell” policy concerned Fraternization. My fiancee was an O-3, a doctor at the Naval hospital on Guam. I was just a lowly commoner, a young enlisted airman in the USAF at Andersen AFB. We were as discreet as possible. We kept everything off-base and out of sight. In spite of fraternization still being illegal under the UCMJ. We listened to the politicians harrumphing around the Pentagon bedecked in uniform telling lies. We thought we were OK as long as we followed this policy.
Her upcoming PCS was to Bethesda Naval Hospital while mine was Ft. Meade. Since we were returning to the world to be married, we knew stepping into the limelight would bring into conflict the two mutually exclusive things. One of our careers had to go and there was no way I would ever have expected her to give up all the work she had put in to become a doctor. As a comms guy I figured I’d just to work as a civilian for Ma Bell, as is the norm. So I declined reenlistment.
Within 3 weeks I was framed with a fake marijuana bust, given an Article 15, then promptly discharged with a General Under Honorable.
This is just marketing optics. I am insulted by this, and so deeply offended there are NOT enough words in the dictionary with which to convey my feelings. “Don’t ASK, Don’t Tell” absolutely destroyed my future. Seeing this horse hockey being promulgated is beyond disgusting.
You should be ashamed. For SHAME! I say. Abusing an autistic person who has been born with Apergers Syndrome. Like Elijah Jovan McClain. SAY HIS NAME! No need for any reply from a neurotypical. Autism Speaks here, and you are deaf. When do we get our civil rights?
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I turned 66 on 26 Sep 2024. The next morning, the 27th I was so upset by this I had a stroke. Lucky to be alive. No thanks to the VA. They have no interest in people like me; we’re “expendables”, after all…
Greetings Dr. McFarland,
Your commitment to service, compassion, and leadership is fully observed.
I appreciate learning about your story.
Thank you.
Dr. McFarland, thank you for your service from a fellow Air Force Veteran. It is with much heaviness of heart and sadness to hear that you have had to endure such difficulties. I pray the Lord Jesus Christ will grant you freedom from the bondage of sin and fill your deepest longings and desires with His Holy Spirit and with a loving relationship that is by His design, one man and one woman in the Holy bonds of matrimony. May He bless you with your own children and a family legacy for His Glory, if that be His will. Blessings.
-From: a servant of the KING
Dr. McFarland … Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for helping all of us understand the impact of laws, rules and regulations on individual lives. Thank you for your service. Thank you for supporting our Nation’s Great Veterans every day!
Dr. McFarland, it is an honor to know you. On this auspicious day, I thank you for sharing your story of service and dedication to our country despite the oppressive silence you were required to keep . You have paved the way for so many.
I also appreciate you letting LGBTQ+ Veterans know VA is an inclusive environment where we continuously strive to improve LGBTQ+-affirming health care. I hope this message inspires LGBTQ+ Veterans who do not know what VA has to offer will give us an opportunity to provide them the care they have earned and deserve.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and how this impacted your life. It is so important to understand how these individual events and situations played out and piled up each day. I’m so grateful that you chose VA to continue your career.
Dr. McFarland, thank you for your service to our country and thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. On this anniversary of repeal of DADT, let us all pledge to make sure everyone in the VA is being treated with dignity and respect and recognize that many have experienced the opposite in the military.